Ya gotta go!

If you have never been to Texas De Brazil you have to go! Here is the website to get some more info. Plus, the site will explain themselves better than I can ;)


Last week Jason and I celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary! It was perfect! He took me to Texas De Brazil. I had never heard of this place until talking with Cameron. She and her hubby went there for Valentine's day, I asked Jason if he had ever heard of it and he said yes. He told me he new about since he has been to Brazil. I was thinking.....why haven't you said something lol. Anyway, he saved up and surprised me for our anniversary. He did say that it's food you will never forget!
When we got there it was incredible! There is no menu, you start out with the salad bar that has a wide variety of different foods most I had never had before and delicious. Once you are back at your table you have as much time as you want to enjoy your plate until you are ready for the meat! Each person at your table gets a little round card, one side is orange, and one side is green. Orange is for pacing yourself, and when you are ready for meat you flip it over to the green side and the guys come to your plate with large skewers of meat that they either slide on your plate or you use your tongs to take hold of a piece of steak they slice for you. OH MY WORD..........the Meat is so good, melt in your mouth good!! There are 8 different meats from what I recall.
Now, you all know me LOL......I made a couple of mistakes while eating there like saying "yes" to one of the waiters when he asked me if I was done....what I failed to say was "no, I am pacing myself" so he took my plate away so when one of the guys came to bring me meat after I had asked for Flank Steak I had no plate LOL.....they laughed at me lol and Jason graciously gave me his plate then the waiter who took my plate looked confused and brought me a clean plate while laughing at me. Did I mention most of them were laughing at me lol.
Anyway, it was really good and of course I had to have dessert. The waiter came by asking if we had room for dessert........normally I would say no, and it was a lot of food but I had never had cream brulee! Jason was full but I had to have that cream brulee. I told the waiter I have had three kids so I know "how" to eat LOL
It was expensive but definitely worth it! Plus, you don't have to wait at all for your food! We didn't really talk that much oddly enough.......but then again we were eating and nodding our heads agreeing with the taste of our food lol

Thank You

Jenn--Thank you for reminding me that Jesus suffered worse than we did from rejection. I was sharing with Jason last night how much I feel rejected.

Cameron--Thank you so much for praying for me to be in peace but ultimately a resolution that only God can give. I was actually sharing with Jason this morning about how much peace I feel because I did the right thing. I was scared to death, but I did it.

The kind of peace I have is knowing I sought God with every word I wrote. I know I did the right thing, and I finally, after many many long years of always blaming myself for everything and asking her to forgive me....even for things she said I did but never did, including apologizing for being "me".....I can't do this anymore! It has had a terrible impact on my self-esteem ( I was feel like I am never good enough for her), and it does not honor God. Cameron, you are right....I am very hard on myself and I have got to learn to love myself! I guess I have always struggled with this because in my mind "If momma doesn't love me who does?". God loves me, I am his creation, and through him I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am at peace knowing the tone in my letters were completely respectful, loving (by reminding her how much I miss and love her), and the door for reconciliation is always open for her to make things right with me. Although this pain weighs heavy on my heart, I am so honored I have friends and sisters in the lord to lift me and my mother to God. As long as she is alive there is always hope. I am just thankful I even have a mother weather good or bad when so many people in the world don't. Thank you so much for you love and prayers!! I hope someday I will be able to minister to someone who's heart is where mine is right now. We serve an awesome God and I hope that everything I am going through will be preparation for God's work because ultimately I desire to honor God with my actions and help further the kingdom of Christ.

Now what do I do!

I talked to my brother tonight. I asked him if mom called him and he said no. So we got to talking about it more and he said "If you are that curious about her receiving the package then I will call her to find out if she has started reading them." He called her and then called me back and said she didn't get anything in the mail. I told Jay I didn't understand because I was looking right at my confirmation delivery number and it says that it was delivered today at 3:13 pm.......so I asked him to please call her back to tell her that. He called her back and said she sounded weird and he thinks she got it but who knows. Then I asked my brother if I should reprint everything and send it again but with a signature confirmation this time. He said he would have done that anyway. Jason told me to wait a couple of days and then do it. I asked my brother if I should send it to one of her sisters or brothers and he said they would just send it back to me, so it was at this time I started to cry. I told him it hurts because they all hate me and I have done nothing to them. My brother reminded me that you don't have to do anything to them for them not hate you.....it's the way they were raised he says :(..........so I guess tomorrow I will call my postal service to figure out what happened. It says it was delivered though. I hope her husband didn't throw them away or something.

Well.......in the process of writing this, my brother called me again. Apparently my mother called him and told him she did in fact receive it but her husband was "screening" the letters so she would not get hurt...............(with a confused look on my face)WHAT!?!? Then she told my brother she has "No Comment" and got off the phone with him! My brother is mad because she lied to him about receiving it in the first place. So am I. So of course I break down crying once again. My brother made a nice attempt to make me feel better....here is what he said "I know how much this hurts, you have done everything you can do, you did the right thing, but you can't let this control your emotions, you know how she is and there is nothing you can do to change her. Just keep praying for her."
I am just heartbroken, I got my hopes up so high as I usually do.

I don't know what she has told her husband about me but I am crushed! Those letters are from daughter to mother. I did not spend weeks, days, and hours being meticulous and careful with my words, structure of the letters, and sharing my heart with her for them to be read by her husband who I have never even met. These were personal, respectful, loving, and she has "No comment" !?!?..........I even sent a mother's day card with it and "No comment" !?!?
I can't call her because she hangs up on me and if her husband picks up he won't let me talk to her and now he is "screening" her personal mail because she said he is her protector...... I am at a loss....... :(
I thought for sure she would at least say something about Michael. What grandmother would not have at least one comment about that? I will still be on my knees praying for her.

Pray for me, I really need strength to not give up hope and continue to give this to God. I am emotionally drained. I better go, it's getting late and I can't stop crying.

A prayer request

I have a prayer request. After 19 months of my mother not wanting to talk to me I have finally written her a letter, or I should say 8 different letters so it will not be over whelming to read and not too much with each letter being 3-5 pages long. I have spent days and hours writing to her in hopes that something positive will turn out. I have taken great care with what I have written. I ask for prayer because I am not sure what her response will be. Also, she hates to read......not kidding, she hates to read and doesn't write anyone.....ever. I am praying that God will give her thirsty eyes for what I have to say and a softened heart to be receptive. In each letter I asked her to read what I wrote more than once. The reason I asked her to do this is because she never reads anything so her reading skills are not too good and I am concerned that she will miss understand everything I have written and I have this terrible insecurity she will throw them in the trash ( I've seen her do it with her sisters). If she writes me back It will be a wonderful sign that she wants to make things right with me and the beginning of a real change.......that is.....depending on what she writes. I am not asking for anyone to understand what I am going through especially because most of my friends have a positive healthy relationship with their mom that I would give anything to have with mine, but I would be so greatful if everyone would pray for me when you have your quite time with God. Nothing is too hard for God and I am taking a big step of faith in hopes that she will want to hear from me. When I talked to my brother I asked him to tell her I was sending a letter, when I asked him if she wants to hear from me he changed the subject :( I left it there because I didn't want to press the issue. So please pray for me she should have receive them by today. I Also sent pix of the kids and told her about Michael with pix as well.

Late Easter Pix

These pix are really late! These are Easter morning pix. I only got a couple taken with my borrowed camera because it was cold outside and the girls ran away from me LOL I didn't get to take any of Michael, Jason or all of us together :(

He's on the move

For the past few weeks Mr. Michael has been doing his army crawl. Rather than getting to the point of actually crawling he has gotten faster at the army crawl. It's really funny!

Today as we are going through our normal morning clean up after breakfast, I had put Michael in the pack-n-play in the kitchen. It fits great in front of the window. I am going about my business while Amber is working on Math when she asks me why I put Michael in the pack-n-play Standing Up. With a confused puzzled look on my face I said "What?".......I look over and that little boy pulled himself up by placing his hands on the mesh walls to eventually standing while holding the the top rail. He decided to talk to us for awhile while he chewed on it lol He has been trying it for awhile but I thought it was going to be awhile before that would actually happen. Now we have got to lower his mattress in the crib. I really wish I had a camera! :(

He is so smart! When he turned 7 months old and I would lay him down in the crib he would move to the side of the crib where I walk out the door and he pull the bumper down to watch me leave! He would do the same thing waiting for some one to come back. He is so alert. He will move doors out of his way to find something and now he crawls over to the window and moves the curtain to the side to try and look out the living room window! He's only turning 8 months! I am impressed because Amber and Alyssa never did that! The window is quite long and sits low to the floor so he will be able to see out if he gets on his knees. I wonder if he is going to walk early? Amber walked on her 1 st yr birthday and Alyssa would not walk until she was 14 months! I practiced everyday with her and never carried her around unless I had to and the child just would not walk......she got heavy man! I think Michael is going to take off sooner rather than later, he does not like to sit still very long. I could make the argument "That's a boy" but then what excuse would I be able to use with Amber when she was little and even now she doesn't like to sit still.........lol

I think I got my work cut out for me this time though lol

His two bottom little teeth are coming in really good now! He loves Mum Mum crackers, carrots and sweet potatoes! He finally ate some cereal with bananas this morning mixed with a little powder formula. He would only eat it before with my breast milk, but I can't seem to pump on demand ;p

I want to mention something before I keep forgetting. we went over to Rebekah's house a week or so ago, she made Alyssa a late birthday cake (OH MY WORD....IT WAS SOOO GOOD!) and while we are there I was holding Azi and Jason was holding Michael. Well....I am talking and reminding them of when we would go walking etc... and Michael offered his pacifier to Azi! It was soooo cute! It would have been yuk if Azi had been old enough to take it though LOL

Children are such a blessing from the Lord! Each one is so different. They make me smile everyday.

Well, I had a visitor pop up yesterday out of the clear blue sky! It was actually a rude awakening which explained my little melt down last week. See, I tend to get a bit up-tight before Aunt Flow comes to town.

The problem is that it was completely unexpected. I had been feeling bad the last couple of weeks and wasn't sure what it was. I was crying over things I never cry over. I have not had Aunt Flow since December of 06 when I found out I was pregnant with Michael!

I never have a cycle when I am nursing...........guess I am wrong this time lol

When I nursed Alyssa Aunt Flow didn't come until I was completely done nursing her. I stopped nursing Alyssa at 11 months old because she bit me. Now when I say she bit me.... it was not a nibble! She bit so hard it drew blood and I was a purple blue red color....... I never felt such pain! I was done, I had Jason get her some formula until she was ready to have whole milk.

So right now I am in shock. I can't believe I started! I thought I was good to go at least September or October after nursing him for a yr! NOT. HA!

I just can't seem to wrap my brain around the "how" and "why".